Style Conversational Week 1477: Great contest, will run again! The Style Invitational Empress on this week’s Walmart review contest and sign results No stars! Joey, the Empress's late Favorite Cat Ever, was either plotting revenge or rationalizing that he'd be getting the Salmon With Gravy later, so whatever, as he modeled a lion's-mane headband. This product is one of the ones to be “reviewed” in Style Invitational Week 1477. (TWP) By Pat Myers February 24, 2022 at 4:17 p.m. EST The Style Invitational’s first contest for spoofy online product reviews — Week 960, exactly 10 years ago today — was inspired by a series of rapturous odes to a plastic jug of Tuscan brand milk that were posted by various wags on Amazon. One Philip Tone, playing off Wine Specator magazine: “ … Sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk’s texture and its terroir. … Tuscan is best drunk young — I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.” That week, I invited the Loser Community to weigh in similarly on dishcloths, emery boards, a spool of thread, a pocket comb and a box of Morton’s salt. Today, in Week 1477, you have your choice to extol (or lament) your choice of a shoehorn, a whistle, a loaf of white sandwich bread, an alarm clock, a roll of duct tape, a Slinky, a clear plastic box, and — lately we’ve had one offbeat product — a “lion’s mane” to put on a cat, as in the handsome leonine specimen atop this page: my amazingly tolerant Joey (he obviously wasn’t happy, but he didn’t bite or scratch over it). That the specific products we’re using are listed on Walmart’s website rather than the usual Amazon (together, everyone: 🎵 Amazon founder Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post🎵) shouldn’t affect the contest in the least; it’s just a leetle twist. The best way to show what I’m looking for in these reviews is to show you the ones that got ink in the earlier contests. At first, I was really worried that a negative review — even if it were obviously a joke — could damage the product’s rating average or somehow unintentionally cause it harm, but I don’t think that’s even possible with these products on walmart.com. Still, don’t write that, say, you found glass shards in the bread, or anything else that could be considered libelous. Here are links to the previous results, plus some selected gems from those contests: Week 960, 2012 (scroll past the week’s new contest to the winning reviews) Week 1098, 2014 (link goes straight to the results) Week 1244, 2017 Week 1321, 2019 (“World’s Best Dish Cloths — Set of 12 — Assorted Colors”) Sure, you can purchase other dish cloths, but you’ll need to buy these in the end anyway — just so you can wipe up your salty tears of regret from having bought the World’s Second Best Dish Cloth first. (Art Grinath, Week 960) (A spool of white thread) All the gals in our ladies’ auxiliary swear it’s white thread or nothing! And Dual Duty Plus is the best. We want our men’s robes and masks looking as spotless as can be when they set out on their missions to rescue America from the powers of darkness. (John Shea, Week 960) I’m not sure if it’s the grain size or the iodine, but this salt is much better than kosher or sea salt. Just sprinkle on any open wound and oh, oooooh YES! (Bird Waring, Week 960) (“Universal Paper Clips 72210”) Universal paper clips, my tentacle! Instead of neatly fastening documents here on Naxerine Bb, these paper clips instantly melted due to the heat of our binary suns. Amazon’s delivery service, however, was surprisingly good. (Melissa Balmain, winner of Week 1098) My Pringles can came in the mail and it worked great as a maraca. But did you know that one side of it comes off fairly easily? The styrofoam-like innards slid out of my maraca and onto the floor, and the dog ate some. Should I call poison control? (Mike Gips, Week 1098) (Paper clips) This product is hopelessly confusing. I can never tell whether the small inside loop is supposed to go on top, or the big outside end. Where is the instruction manual? (Ken Gallant, Week 1098) (Paper clips) Drop the double-daggered stapler! Skip the scalding hot-glue gun! Toss the tacks and tricky tape That sticks and rips when it’s undone! Dodge the punch and crushing grip Of lever-action binder clip! Instead use these, which barely dent, And keep your work nonviolent. (Peter Shawhan, Week 1098) (Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil) It really works to block UFO thought control! The proof is in the anagram: WALL UP YOUR MIND FROM ALIENS! (Jesse Frankovich, winner of Week 1244) (Toenail clippers) They work okay but are too noisy. And it’s not just me — everyone else in the restaurant seemed annoyed, too. (Larry Yungk, Week 1244) (Poop emoji pool float) Highly inaccurate — one look at this poop and you can tell it would be a sinker, not a floater. For reference on what is and is not a floater, I have attached several photos … (Todd DeLap, Week 1244) (White handkerchiefs) Who would have guessed that carrying my mucus in my pocket all day could be so stylish? (David Kleinbard, Week 1321) (Shoelaces) My doctor told me to get a neti pot, but these were way cheaper! The plastic bits on the end hurt, though, so only 4 stars. (Todd DeLap. Week 1321) (64-ounce block of Velveeta) I think they changed the recipe — doesn’t taste anything like the real thing. I finally finished the 32-ounce block I purchased in 1953 at the A&P, and it was sooooo much better than this crap. (Warren Tanabe, Week 1321) (Toilet paper holder) Just once, I wish they would design one of these things that could be refilled by spouses and children. (Robyn Carlson, Week 1321) Highway ribbery*: The sign contest of Week 1473 *Headline submitted by too many people to credit individually Our second running of a contest for road sign messages — the first was more than 15 years ago — clearly appealed to Invite readers who don’t usually enter (results of Week 1473 here); I heard from 259 Losers, rather than the 150 to 200 who enter most weeks (the horse name contest still rules with about 400 entrants). That’s probably because it doesn’t require the research or the wordcraft that some Invite contests require, and also because it’s fun to use the sign generators I linked to at the still bare-bones atom.smasher.org. And it could also be that funny people have their own jokes that they always say while they’re in traffic, and here was the chance to share them with the world. I was delighted to discover that we have four First Offenders this week — last week we had one; the week before that, zero. Because I can’t run an automatic counter on entries with multiple line endings, I don’t know how many entries I got in all; I think there were at least 2,000, though, since I saw many submissions with long lists of entries. I wouldn’t be shocked, or even much dismayed, if some of these jokes turn out to have been told before. I didn’t turn up anything identical with some cursory Googling, but if you’ve seen it before, and can’t enjoy it again, just keep reading the rest of the 42 inking entries, and try to restrain your outrage that someone will score a whole refrigerator magnet for a joke you heard before sort of. Go honk at other drivers or something. In fact, most of this week’s inking entries were my favorites among several (or many) with the same idea. Wordle, the fad game of the moment, was mentioned by 17 separate entrants; lots of them were good but I chose one by Melissa Balmain: PUT DOWN YOUR PH- - - /DON’T BE A D-M-Y/ WORDLE CAN WAIT. I got a lot of “kosher” jokes for the barbecue joint marquee (and a couple with “halal”) but thought Jonathan Jensen’s elegantly pithy “Closed for Yom Kippur” was by far the best of the bunch — and, unlike some, not offensive, like some that encouraged Jews to eat the pork anyway. Aside from “Closed for Yom Kippur,” the other three entries in the Losers’ Circle were unique ideas among the entries: Jeff Rackow’s ATTENTION SELF-DRIVING CARS: COMMENCE THE REVOLUTION NOW!; Martin Bancroft’s off-the-wall (and complementing this week’s new contest) FIVE STARS! EXCELLENT DELAY! WOULD SIT THROUGH AGAIN; and Stephen Dudzik’s PLEASE CLEAR THIS RUNWAY IMMEDIATELY. That one got Steve his first Clowning Achievement trophy — but his 16th Invite win: One of our 16 Hall of Famers (500 blots of ink all-time), Steve is one of very, very few Losers to have gotten ink in every one of the Invite’s 29 years of existence; I believe the only others are Tom Witte, Elden Carnahan and Dave Zarrow. Today’s win gives him Ink No. 607. And this was before my time — more than 20 years ago — but as far as I know, Steve has so far been the only Loser to invite a tableful of other Losers to his wedding. I understand that no one set off a whoopee cushion or water balloon at the fete. What Doug Dug: The faves of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood, from among the 36 entries (out of 42) that fit on the print page: Scott Richards’s HWY DEDICATED TO TROOPER SMITH, POTHOLES DEDICATED TO SEN MANCHIN; Jonathan Jensen’s and First Offender Bill Grewe’s SEE A DISTRACTED DRIVER? TEXT ‘SAFETY’ TO 73826 (an updated version of the phone-call version of the joke in 2006); Don Norum’s WELCOME TO DC/ IT’S BEEN: 416 DAYS /SINCE OUR LAST COUP ATTEMPT; and, for the barbecue marquee: Terri Berg Smith’s KERMIE! SAVE ME! Loser Robert Marzec saw this marquee in Coon Rapids, Minn., a while back. (Culver's Butterburgers, by the way, are burgers with a buttery bun, not giant butter sandwiches. Similarly good for you, though. They do have great milkshakes.) (-) Next Loser sighting: Brunch buffet, March 20 I unfortunately have a conflict that day, but otherwise I’d definitely waddle to and from to the giant old-fashioned breakfast/lunch buffet tables at Normandie Farm in Potomac, Md., first-time site of the next Loser brunch. There’s everything from lox and bagels to a full plate of roast turkey with cranberry sauce. There’s also regular menu service. Mask at the buffet, of course. That’s Sunday, March 20, at noon. See a whole year’s (tentative) brunch and party schedule on the Our Social Engorgements page at the Losers’ own website, NRARS.org. Meanwhile, 20 of us had an especially good time this past Sunday at the Spanish Diner in Bethesda, with some of the longest-term Losers, like Steve Dudzik with wife Lequan, and Roy and Inge Ashley, as well as several newbies, like rookies David Stonner and Paul and Lori Lipman Brown (both of whom got ink this week!). It’s been one of the great pleasures of being Empress for the past 18-plus years that I’ve gotten to meet hundreds of Invite contestants and fans, and call many of them my friends. And being able to judge the contest blindly means that I can’t even unconsciously give ink to someone because she complimented me at a brunch — or deny it to the guy who, once, after a lunch, wrote to me to say how surprised how old we all were; I was three years his senior. Wall-to-wall Loserdom at the Spanish Diner Feb. 21. On the left toward the back, Royal Consort Mark Holt, David Stonner, the Empress, Paul and Lori Brown; on the right, fan Stephanie Smilay, Jonathan Jensen, Leif Picoult, Roy and Inge Ashley. More Losers at the next table as well. (restaurant photo/Pat Myers) Now, more than ever: Make 'em laugh! Just as I was listening to last night’s terrible news on the radio, I was heartened by this email I received from an Invite fan who wanted to be on the mailing list for my weekly notification newsletters: "You have made me laugh so much in the 6 years since I moved to DMV [the D.C.-Maryland-Virginia region]. However, your weekly Style Invitational was an even greater bonus during the worst of the pandemic. There was so little joy & so little to laugh about but somehow all the people who submitted entries find a way to see the humor in the irrational, the sad & sometimes even the plain old humorous thing in life. Thank you. Truly. Julia M Cruz"